Have you ever had the thought that work would be easy if you didn’t have to deal with other people? Work is by definition a collaborative space. There are few jobs where the task does not form part of a bigger picture, something that we could not do by ourselves.
The most difficult relationships are ones that have broken down, or ones that have always been bad. Sometimes this can be structural: relationships between entire departments can falter and become toxic. But how does this get so entrenched? Well it turns out that we start to form an opinion about the motivations of individuals or leaders based on past experience. Much of this relies on generalisation, and we often jump to conclusions. The same thing is happening in one-to-one relationships. We tend to think that other peoples motivations are poor and follow self interest. By comparison we often feel that our own motivations, actions and even emotions have high moral and functional value. But how can this be true for both parties?
The worst thing is that we assume we have no power to change the situation because we think that the problem is external to us. This position can seem obvious if we have come into a new role that is embedded in a department with toxic relationships. We were not there before so how, then, can it be our problem?
Our best hope is often that we can can resolve the issue. For many of us, this means getting our own way. But often complete resolution is not possible and if arrived at by the wrong means is not desirable.
Getting our own way rarely solves the issue. As a rule it means gaining and executing coercive power over others. Taking the stance that this issue must be resolved ignores the possibility that the other party may not be in a position to change -either emotionally, professionally or structurally. This can happen in toxic departments or collaborations.
So how do I cope with a difficult colleague?
There is a route through this. It’s not always comfortable, but it can transform your experience of difficult relationships.
In the end, as with so many things, the only change we can make is in ourselves. It comes down to how we think-about and relate-to both ourselves and others. We are relational creatures, and your network of relationships forms part of a vast system, of which your work life is one part. Creating a change in yourself has the potential to create systemic change, and you may not know the positive impact to others that your internal change can make. Yet for everyone you meet, that personal change will subtly ripple outwards.
Carl Rogers was a founding father of a branch of therapy known as “Person Centred.” His work in the field forms the bedrock of much modern counselling therapy. He developed a concept he called unconditional positive regard (UPR). It became central to his theory of personality and is part of his humanistic view of psychology. The focus is on understanding and fostering human potential, self-actualisation, and authenticity.
What is Unconditional Positive Regard?
UPR has four components:
Acceptance Without Conditions:
UPR means valuing someone as they are, without expecting them to change or behave in a certain way to earn approval.
For example, you would not withdraw support from a colleague for expressing anger or making mistakes. Instead, you would continue to show respect and empathy, affirming their inherent value.
Non-Judgemental Attitude:
You would refrain from making moral or personal judgements about your colleague, team member or collaboration partner, separating the person from their behaviour.
This does not mean you condone harmful actions but rather you recognise that the individual’s worth is not defined by their choices.
Empathy and Understanding:
UPR goes hand in hand with empathy. By deeply understanding someone’s experiences and emotions, you validate your colleagues feelings, creating a space for genuine growth.
Authenticity:
UPR is only effective when it is genuine. Rogers emphasised the need for therapists (and so in this case, all of us) to be congruent—honest and authentic—in their interactions.
Is this like anything else?
Yes, absolutely. We can correlate the ideas underpinning UPR with the Buddhist thinking around compassion and loving-kindness (Mettā), we see it in the teachings of Christ. In the business world, Fred Koffman in his book Conscious Business, connects conscious awareness and Ontological Humility.
What difference will this make?
Having unconditional positive regard is not about rolling over or being nice. It occurs in the context of maintaining professional standards and safe boundaries. It is however a call to action. This action is internal and challenging, in that you will need to practice UPR not on the people you enjoy working with but the people you don’t. In the words of Fred Koffman, it means choosing to be a player, not a victim – it is about taking Unconditional Response-ability for your actions.
Over time it will create a shift in the way you interact with people, especially in challenging situations. You will assume people generally are experiencing internal struggles, and wanting a range of goals, that are similar to yours. At the same time being aware that sometimes they do not act in their own interests, or in the interests of others.
Practising this kind of awareness creates a mental map that allows you more freedom of movement. You may begin to experience a gap between an input (say a colleague shouting at you) and your reaction. In that gap there are possibilities.
You are less likely to act out your immediate emotional state and more likely to take a considered response. When you do respond, it is in the context of an understanding that you have more in common with the difficult people in your life that you have difference.
At it’s most extreme edge, we might argue that if we truly understand our enemy, we cannot help but love them[1]. In business our colleagues and collaborators are hopefully not our enemies. Our motivation to take the right action is usually high. The challenge is to overcome our default state: our need to be right.
The difference will be seen in your business relationships and it will occur systemically around you. Change can be slow, but there will be a trend towards collaboration and co-working, and away from the use of power to get things done. People will want to work with you, and you will gain a reputation for creating psychologically safe spaces. You business will benefit and, in time, your own opportunities will flourish, perhaps in unexpected ways. Yet this is happening not by focusing on your own needs but by putting other people first. In the business world and society at large this is a counter-cultural stance.
[1] “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” — Sun Tzu (The Art of War)
“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” — Abraham Lincoln
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” — The Dalai Lama
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Author: Joel Marks
Also posted on LinkedIn.
Image credit, Pexels.